Growing up in a pastor’s
home I knew the truth of Christianity form a very early age. When I decided to
accept Christ at the age of four it was primarily because of the knowledge I was
raised to have of Him. One year later I was baptized; my dad had chosen to wait
on my baptism to make sure that I knew what I was doing. Through my elementary
years I did have a strong belief in God. However as my life changed so did my
attitude about God.
Honestly I see nothing wrong with the blind faith of a child accepting the Lord
based on simple knowledge of His reality; however at the age of 12 I reached a
point where I really began to understand God’s love and my sin. My family
moved a lot while I was younger and from that I became very bitter. I was already
dealing with serious depression at the age of 12, and I doubted anyone’s
love for me including God’s. It was at Super Summer my seventh grade year
that I was asked boldly if I would go to Heaven when I died, and I wasn’t
sure. Looking back I do believe that I had accepted God’s grace and that
my entry into heaven wasn’t at stake; however, having a loving real relationship
with my Savior was. That week I made a choice to accept His love into my life,
not because I knew in my head that it was true but because I believed in the truth
with all of my heart. It was a year later that I decided to be baptized again.
I simply felt that people needed to know about the real change that God had made
in my life; as I accepted not just the knowledge of Him but His love for me.
Over the next few years I grew in the Lord and depended on Him to carry me through
some very hard life situations. It was during the hardest times of my senior year
in High School that the Lord called me into missions. My dad had lost his church
and we had lost most of our possessions, including our home and cars. I know that
God carried us through those times to show us His love and power and to help me
see Him more. I don’t know that had I still has my nice car and everything
else that I would have been as open to surrendering to Him. But I learned from
that year how to really have faith, not just when it’s easy. The hardest
lesson that year was that God doesn’t always work on our time table. Real
faith requires trusting God even when His movement seems slow and doesn’t
meet the expectations I have for Him.
Through that next year I was able to see so much more of God’s plan and
it was amazing and wonderful. However, at the mid-point of my freshman year as
I had spent much of the past year on a spiritual high I fell. I looked at the
future and panicked. After all the negative things I had experienced in the church
the fact that God was calling me into ministry created an overwhelming level of
anxiety. In an instant I entered into a life of sin that lasted the last part
of that year. Although I am not proud of that time the lesson in grace that God
gave me as I came to repentance is the most amazing event in my life. At the end
of that school year I went to work at a Baptist camp. I was aware of the hypocrisy
in my action but I knew that it was what God was telling me to do. Before the
summer could start I had to face God with repentance. As I came to Him completely
broken by my own choices He showered me with His love and forgiveness and since
then He has not ceased to amaze me.
He took me to Taiwan for a second time. Where He used me to lead two girls to
accept Him as I taught ESL. He also used the change in me to lead a close friend
who was with me as I rebelled so completely against Him to know Him. It was amazing
she just sat their and prayed with me over the phone. He has allowed me to serve
as a Semester Missionary in Syracuse, New York. I was able to spend a semester
hanging out with other college students, teaching Bible Studies, coordinating
events, sharing the gospel on campus and just investing in their lives. I am now
a leader in the BSM here at DBU. His grace to allow me to serve Him after I had
rebelled against Him has overwhelmed me. The road from that freshman spring semester
to now has been hard. God has had to break me of so many sins that I hold as apart
of who I am. He is working on teaching me humility, love, joy, dependence on Him,
forgiveness of others and myself, and so many other things that I can’t
even put into words. The past three years have changed me. So many of my friends
have told me that I am a different person. But more than that I can see who God
is so much more. I can see His love and compassion, His wisdom and direction.
I can see that He is my strength and my shield. He will protect me from the heartbreak
that ministry often causes but I must give it all over to Him. I cannot be independent,
I must be dependant on Him. I must live through His strength alone. I am excited
about the future.
